One of My Hobbies

To those of you who may not know, one of the things I like to do occasionally is write fake, humorous news stories.  At this point I have written eight of these fictitious reports, including headlines such as "Animal rights Group Pushes for Ban on Drain Pipes" and  "Competitive Paper Folding Added to Olympic Roster." I thought I would share one of my most recent stories with any of you who may want to read it, but don't have access to it on Facebook.

Left-handers Protest Discrimination

By Natalie Schneider

Big Blue Cow news, April 24, 2010

Left-handers converged on Washington D.C. today, to protest “the discrimination that they are confronted with everyday.” “You hear a lot about civil rights, and the rights of women,” one protester commented. “But you never hear anything about the rights of left handed people. We’re human beings to.” The protesters held aloft signs bearing sayings such as, “Why are we left out?” and “Handshakes are discriminatory!” during their march on the nations capital.

Joan Uvark, President of the People Against Left-handed Mistreatment  (PALM), expressed disgust at the discrimination she believes left-handers face, “do you realize how hard it is being left-handed, in a world full of right-handers?” Uvark asked. “As a child, I was the only one I knew that was left-handed, and I was made fun of my family and friends. I grew up thinking I was a freak of nature, and tried my best to hide my left-handedness from people. It wasn’t until I graduated, and discovered my roommate in college was left-handed as well, that I realized that there were others out there just like me.“ PALM was formed in 1997, by Uvark, and Dr. Michael Spalding, to “raise awareness about the plight of left-handed people around the nation.” They have held smaller rallies in various cities around the country, but never one as large as the protest in Washington. “It’s been great to see all of these left-handers come out and support the cause,” Alatheia Larsen, one of the protesters, said. “I so glad that there are so many people out there willing to speak up for this minority.”

But not everyone who is left handed supports this cause. Andrew Burke, a left handed lawyer from Bismarck North Dakota, doesn’t believe discrimination is as prevalent as is claimed by the protesters. Burke said in an interview with a Big Blue Cow news reporter that “The idea that left handed people are being discriminated against is ludicrous. As I grew up, I never had any problems with discrimination, in fact everyone though it was cool that I used a different hand to write with then everyone else. Sure there may be a few isolated pockets of discrimination. But as a whole, society is largely accepting of left handed people. There is no reason for the government to take any action on this issue, especially the drastic action proposed by PALM.” The “drastic action” that was referenced by Burke, is legislation currently being pushed by PALM.  H.R. 314, “the left-hander’s bill of rights” as some people call it, requires all companies that make products specifically designed for right handed people, to also produce products conducive for left-handed people.  “It doesn’t cover everything but it’s a start,” Uvark said. “Our entire society is built around right handed people. Our products, our utensils, and even our written language were created with right handed people in mind. Sure we may not be able to completely remove all discrimination against us today, tomorrow, or even in the next 50 years. But every little step forward, is a step in the right direction.”   

Until next time, au revoir.

~Nat