The Occurrences before Lexington and Concord

Here is another fake (I don't really like that word, I should find another one) news story that I wrote the other day. Have fun reading it.

Editor’s note- I was searching through our archives when I came across this article. Someone had mistakenly placed it in a box with the hate mail and it had been lost for quite some time. The hand written account was full of blots, cross outs and sufficient spelling mistakes to make and English teacher cry. But it explained one of our countries greatest mysteries; a mystery as puzzling as the JFK assassination and how the government faked the moon landing combined. Unfortunately, this article was never printed by this news paper, a loss that has been felt by this country throughout its existence; and it is a loss I intend to rectify by printing this article 225 years after it was originally written.

The Occurrences before Lexington and Concord

By Samuel Franklin

Big Blue Cow News

April 22, 1775

The Colonies weep today, after the tragic loss of life at the battles of Lexington and Concord. “Curse those red coated scum!”Marybeth White, the mother of one of our fallen militia men said. “My only child, my darling sweet little boy; that is what they took from me, what they killed for me.”  Mothers morn for their lost sons, sisters for their brothers and wives for their husbands. The entirety of the colonies are banding together after this enormous tragedy. But until recently, it had remained a mystery as to which side had fired the first shot. “I have not the slightest idea how the battle started,” John McCain, a wounded militia member said. “I heard a gunshot, and pressed my finger down upon the trigger.” The report was the same whether it came from militia men, or British soldiers, no person had the slightest idea of what could have started the battle.

But there is one person who knew the origin of that first, fatal gunshot. “I believe it was I who may have set those young men off,” Betty White (not her real name), a petite old women of about 50 years sat with her cat on her lap and her blunderbuss clutched in her left hand. “I did not intend to start it, but it appears my actions may in some way have caused the battle to commence. Although, I doubt it would have been that much longer before those hot blooded young men began to shoot at each other anyway, regardless of my actions. ” Mrs. White had ventured out that morning to hunt squirrels, “Those pesky critters are always eating my begonias, I had to teach them a lesson,” Mrs. White said.  Upon seeing a squirrel Mrs. White immediately shot at it, “Darn thing got away, scampered up a tree as lively as ever, my shot had missed it completely.” It was then that Mrs. White heard what sounded to her like thunder, and hurried inside, “Of course now I know it was only those hoodlums shooting at each other. If I had known it was not a storm coming, I would have stayed out a while longer. Then I might have actually killed some of those infernal squirrels.”  

Although, this tragic day will forever be engrained in the memories of those people who lost those close to them, and many people will never understand why their loved ones have been taken from them. It is a comfort, at least, to know that there is an answer to one of the questions that sprouted from this horrible occurrence.