The Dark of the Night Brings Depressing Thoughts

So, because of my ADD and the inability to control impulses and make wise decisions that is connected with that disorder, I did something really stupid. Especially for someone with adrenal fatigue (we have settled on this diagnosis for the time being to explain my tiredness) which requires a goodnight's sleep to get over. This is the stupid thing I did: stayed up late finishing a book, and now I can't sleep.

When I am lying in bed trying to sleep I let my mind go and wander where it likes. Tonight it wandered to a depressing place, to thoughts of goodbyes. It started contemplating people I hadn't seen for awhile and I realized that there is a very good chance I will never see them again; this makes me terribly sad. But life is like that isn't it? Our lives touch the lives of others for a time and then we part ways. It is a constant cycle of meetings friendships and goodbyes. Continually letting people into your hearts and lives, only to leave, never to make the connection with them again. Then there are the people you do see again after you have left, but you only see them for a short time and then you must say goodbye again.

 You can keep in touch through letters, phones, emails and facebook, but it is never the same as the real thing. Also, the number of people you touch in your life continues to grow, making maintaining contact with all of them incredibly difficult.

These thoughts are enough to make me almost wish I grew up in a small town where everyone I knew was born, lived and then died there. But that kind of place would be so incredibly dull that I think it would drive me nuts. Even so, I never want to be one of those families that moves a lot, I want to live in one place my whole life and I want my kids (if God blesses me with some) to grow up in one place.

But, even if I did stay in the same place, there are still going to be goodbyes. That is just the way of life. I know that all the Christians I have come in contact with I will see again in heaven. But that is a small comfort to me at this moment because I am pretty sure heaven won't be the same as it is on earth, so what I know and love now, I may never see again.

Didn't I say these thoughts are depressing? There are almost enough to make me want to avoid all attachments until I get to the place where we never have to say goodbye. But humans weren't meant to alone, no man is a island, and I would get waaaay too depressed without human contact.

So, I guess I'll just have to live with it and go to sleep.  It is the way it is and staying up mourning about all night is not beneficial. I hope I didn't depress you too much. Goodnight.

~Nat